In former days the weather gods spake to us through almanacks and prognosticating rodents, but in these latter days they speak to us through television channels.
In the seventh year of President Obama’s reign, the word of the weather gods came to the prophet Cantore, saying:
“Behold, Midwesterners, though thine January hast been mild, and thy hopes look tomorrow toward a groundhog’s tidings of early spring, yet before the ground thaws and the streams murmur with hopes of warm weather, a storm shall come upon you the likes of which has not been seen in your environs for many months.
And woe unto you, who live near the Great Lakes, the mid-Atlantic, and the Northeast, for neither shall you be spared. Though your earlier drifts may be melting , yet these storms will restore them to their former height and even beyond, if it be possible.
Behold, Juno and Kari shall come from the north, and Linus from the northwest, and shall fall upon thee with cold and heavy snow. The sun will be blocked out, and in blizzard conditions the visibility shall be near to nothing.
The prophet Cantore’s message was briefly interrupted by Local on the 8’s.
For more than 24 hours this storm shall be upon you, leaving as many as twelve inches of snow behind. Once the clouds depart, yet shall the winds remain. And all the low places will be filled up, and the drifts shall rise as high as the horses’ bridles.
But this is not the end of sorrows.
For after Kari and Linus have left thee, behold, a clipper from Alberta will visit thee for a time, times, and half a time. It shall bring with it unbearable winds, and temperatures for which the zero on the thermometer is insufficient.
Woe to those who are traveling when these things occur! And pray that thy children have relief from school. We, the weather gods have spoken, who form the storms and call them each by name. Others may speak and promise warmth, but hearken not to them, for they promise falsely of warm-ups which shall disappoint. Maintain thine eyes rather upon the jet stream, for by the jet stream are thou chilled, and by the jet stream thou shalt be warmed in due time.
This cold shall not last forever. Stay tuned to my words, when after a brief message I shall speak of hopes that may bring ye warmth by next week.”