Faith is more about longing and thirsting than knowing and possessing

David Brooks has a lovely essay published in the New York Times yesterday on his journey from agnosticism into faith. It came not, he says, through some academic study or intellectual enlightenment, but through experiences in life.

When faith finally tiptoed into my life it didn’t come through information or persuasion but, at least at first, through numinous experiences…. In those moments, you have a sense that you are in the presence of something overwhelming, mysterious. Time is suspended or at least blurs. One is enveloped by an enormous bliss.

He describes occasions, literally from the mountain top to underground (the New York subway) where unusually beautiful and real things broke through into his awareness, changing his perspective on reality.

That contact with radical goodness, that glimpse into the hidden reality of things, didn’t give me new ideas; it made real an ancient truth that had lain unbidden at the depth of my consciousness. We are embraced by a moral order. What we call good and evil are not just preferences that this or that set of individuals invent according to their tastes. Rather, slavery, cruelty and rape are wrong at all times and in all places, because they are an assault on something that is sacred in all times and places, human dignity. Contrariwise, self-sacrificial love, generosity, mercy and justice are not just pleasant to see. They are fixed spots on an eternal compass, things you can orient your life toward.

This process took time, Brooks says, describing it as less a “conversion” than an “inspiration”, where new life was breathed into things he had already intellectually known for a long time. And it results in something that is less a concrete certainty than a new longing:

The most surprising thing I’ve learned since then is that “faith” is the wrong word for faith as I experience it. The word “faith” implies possession of something, whereas I experience faith as a yearning for something beautiful that I can sense but not fully grasp. For me faith is more about longing and thirsting than knowing and possessing.

And in a paragraph that would make Jamie Smith smile, Brooks observes that what you desire shapes who you are becoming.

It turns out the experience of desire is shaped by the object of your desire. If you desire money, your desire will always seem pinched, and if you desire fame, your desire will always be desperate. But if the object of your desire is generosity itself, then your desire for it will open up new dimensions of existence you had never perceived before, for example, the presence in our world of an energy force called grace.

There’s so much goodness in this essay that I could quote the whole thing but really just recommend you go read it. This gift link) gives you the full article even if you’re not an NYT subscriber. It’s such a delight to hear someone talk so freely and publicly about their faith journey.

Some customer ahead of me at the bakery bought a $250 gift card to be used on the next customers. I would’ve happily paid for my pecan roll and coffee myself, but… thanks, random stranger!

2024 Reads: Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss 📚

I don’t read a lot of business books, and I dislike negotiation, but my boss recommended this one. Some decent strategies I could use here.

Singing with the orchestra chorus this weekend for the holiday concerts. First rehearsal with the orchestra was last night, went from 6:30 to almost 10. Lots of fun but definitely needing the coffee this morning.

Same rehearsal schedule tonight!

High enough anxiety

Earlier today a post came across Bluesky that stopped me short. Canadian author Ryan North put it this way:

All pleasures are guilty pleasures if you have high enough anxiety

Now, as far as I know, North is just trying (with some reasonable success) to be funny. But as a former evangelical this single line sums up the angst of modern neo-Calvinism as well as anything I’ve ever seen.

The core conflict of the neo-Reformed theology I spent most of my adult life with was that for all the assertions that God controls and predestines everything, serious believers should have an ongoing concern, verging on fear, that they are not doing enough. Not living piously enough. Not evangelizing enough. Not spending enough time in prayer and Scripture. Not having theological arguments honed well enough. In one breath the pastor would say “you can’t do anything about whether you’re one of the elect or not, it’s all God’s decision if you are saved” and in the next would say “if you’re not doing X or Y or Z you should probably be worried about whether or not you’re actually one of God’s elect”.

Neo-Reformed guiding light John Piper is a sterling example of this sort of divinely-inspired angst. Listen to any sermon of his, read any book, watch any interview, and you will get the sense of a man who is driven with a wretched, endless anxiety about his relationship to God. He’s always on edge, always afraid that he (and by extension, you, his listener) might be knowingly or unknowingly Wasting Your Life or Wasting Your Cancer or wasting your Retirement or missing What Jesus Demands or not Delighting In God or not Desiring God enough. Joy comes with the companion fear that the joy might be misplaced or appreciated a little too much. There is very little chill or rest or peace or pleasure that comes across there.

And let’s face it, friends: if you take the evangelical teaching on eternal conscious torment seriously, it’s hard to see how you could not live that anxiously all the time. Is there even a minute chance that you, or someone you love, is going to experience ultimate torture for all eternity? How could that not make you anxious? How could you ever enjoy life?

My therapist likes to say that there are two basic types of religion: one that has a goal to control, and one who has a goal of life enhancement. It’s a sign of how steeped I was in anxious evangelicalism that I had a visceral reaction to “life enhancement” as a religious goal. Isn’t that self-centered? Wouldn’t that make God mad? Shouldn’t we be God-centered instead?

It took several years of detox under other Christian teachers to find that I could actually be a Christian with a level of peace and chill that seems more in line with what Jesus seemed to be hoping for his followers. It doesn’t include the fear that God is going to eternally torture anyone. It does allow me to think about sin, healing, forgiveness, and godliness in terms of how our behavior encourages or hampers human flourishing. Suddenly the Gospel feels like real “good news” - not in the “hey if you’re desperately lucky and get stuff right you might avoid eternal damnation but you’re not gonna be sure about that until you die” sense but in the “wow that makes me smile and breathe easier” sense.

Friends, if you find yourself in a church that stokes your anxiety about whether or not God loves and will accept you: it doesn’t have to be that way. Jesus came that we might have abundant life (which sounds an awful lot like “life enhancement”, now that I think about it), and gave us peace. Let’s not let anxious teaching rob that from us.

Image credit: Anxiety by Nick Youngson CC BY-SA 3.0 Alpha Stock Images

Oldest daughter got in from college last night, and now we have everyone at home for the next two weeks! The delight comes with the growing, sobering realization of the limited number of times this will ever happen again.

Iowa work potlucks are always tasty.

Iowa work potlucks, when supplemented with the Indian co-worker’s homemade chicken biryani are 1000% improved.

I mostly use Due for short-term reminders, but using it for long-term ones feels like magic somehow. 9 mths ago I thought “hey, my college kid might want to renew their drivers license when they’re home for xmas break”. Made a reminder. Today it popped up and I reminded them. Thanks, past me!

Stunning graces at church yesterday: the man whose wife died on Wednesday back in the pew after two months gone caring for her in her last days. The young man who saw him sitting alone and went to sit with him. A dozen people lined up to embrace him during the peace. ⚓

2024 Reads: Shadow of Doubt by Brad Thor 📚

A good reminder why I rarely spend time with books like this. So thin and repetitive…

The weather guys weren’t kidding about the ice! Thankful I could make the 10-hour trek to pick up a college kid yesterday and we can all just be home today!

A brown mailbox covered in a thin layer of iceSmall fingers of ice hanging off a pergola

Sin as Debt: Thoughts after reading David Graeber's Debt: The First 5000 Years

I’ve been reading the anthropologist David Graeber’s book Debt: The First 5000 Years this week. It’s a remarkable and thought-provoking work. He frames up the topic by relating a conversation he once had with an attorney who worked on behalf of anti-poverty groups. When he described his own work toward relieving Third World debt, she was confounded. “But, they’d borrowed the money! Surely one has to pay one’s debts.” Graeber notes that, even in standard economic theory, this statement isn’t always true - a lender is expected to assume some level of risk, “because otherwise what reason would lenders have not to make a stupid loan?” “Surely one has to pay one’s debts,” Graeber observes, isn’t actually an economic statement.

Rather, it’s a moral statement. After all, isn’t paying one’s debts what morality is supposed to be all about? Giving people what is due them. Accepting one’s responsibilities. Fulfilling one’s obligations to others, just as one would expect them to fulfill their obligations to you. What could be a more obvious example of shirking one’s responsibilities than reneging on a promise, or refusing to pay a debt?

Graeber latches on to this connection between morality and debt, continuing:

If history shows anything, it is that there’s no better way to justify relations founded on violence, to make such relations seem moral, than by reframing them in the language of debt — above all, because it immediately makes it seem that it’s the victim who’s doing something wrong. Mafiosi understand this. So do the commanders of conquering armies. For thousands of years, violent men have been able to tell their victims that those victims owe them something. If nothing else, they “owe them their lives” (a telling phrase) because they haven’t been killed.

I’d recommend Graeber’s book even just as an economic treatise. He challenges the basic capitalist assumptions that we Westerns have been raised with and points toward other, better ideas. (First up, he suggests: a Biblical-style Year of Jubilee where debts are forgiven. But I digress.) But when Graeber starts talking about debt obligation as a moral question, my mind immediately went to theology.

He paid a debt He did not owe, I owed a debt I could not pay…

Within the Western church and especially among American Evangelicalism, the language of debt is inescapable. The essential message of salvation is framed up in just those terms: the sinner owing an infinite debt to God for offending God’s perfection; Jesus living perfectly and then dying to pay that debt on our behalf. So when Graeber devotes a chapter to “The Moral Ground of Economic Relations”, my ears perk up.

How do societies actually work?

First, he says, at the most basic level society functions on what he calls “baseline communism”:

the understanding that unless people consider themselves enemies, if the need is considered great enough, or the cost considered reasonable enough, the principle of “from each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs” will be assumed to apply.

This can be seen in the societal expectation for things as mundane as bumming a cigarette or asking for someone to pass the salt, and as great as the expectation that an able-bodied man will risk his life to save a child in peril. Society is based on this expectation of mutual contribution, he says, providing anthropological examples from cultures across the world to justify the claim. Relationships color our commercial exchanges, too - for example, merchants reducing prices for the needy.

This is one of the same reasons why shopkeepers in poor neighborhoods are almost never of the same ethnic group as their customers; it would be almost impossible for a merchant who grew up in the neighborhood to make money, as they would be under constant pressure to give financial breaks… to their impoverished relatives and school chums.

“Exchange… implies formal equality [between parties]… This is precisely why kings have such trouble with it.” It was about this point that my ears really perked up. “When objects of material wealth pass back and forth between superiors and inferiors as gifts or payments, the key principle seems to be that the sorts of things given on each side should be considered fundamentally different in quality, their relative value impossible to quantify — the result being that there is no way to even conceive of a squaring of accounts.” This rings true to how we talk about the debt of sin to God. But if squaring accounts with God is inconceivable, then how is it moral to even suggest that it is the sinner’s responsibility to do so, on pain of eternal damnation? Isn’t this argument, as Graeber described early on, the violent powerful party using the language of morality to convince the victim that they are the ones in the wrong?

What, then, is debt?

Graeber is answering this with economics in mind, but read this argument with soteriology in mind, too.

Debt is a very specific thing, and it arises from very specific situations. It first requires a relationship between two people who do not consider each other fundamentally different sorts of being, who are at least potential equals, who are equals in those ways that are really important, and who are not currently in a state of equality—but for whom there is some way to set matters straight.

If we accept Graeber’s definition here, it would be impossible for a human to be “in debt” to an omnipotent God for his sins, if only because God and the human are in no sense potential equals. He continues:

This means that there is no such thing as a genuinely unpayable debt. If there was no conceivable way to salvage the situation, we wouldn’t be calling it a “debt.”… This is what makes situations of effectively unpayable debt so difficult and so painful. Since creditor and debtor are ultimately equals, if the debtor cannot do what it takes to restore herself to equality, there is obviously something wrong with her; it must be her fault.

But aren’t all human interactions forms of exchange? Graeber says no, because many forms of human interaction are within in the framework of reciprocal relationship that glues our society together. Exchange is different:

…exchange implies equality, but it also implies separation. It’s precisely when the money changes hands, when the debt is canceled, that equality is restored and both parties can walk away and have nothing further to do with each other.

Debt is what happens in between: when the two parties cannot yet walk away from each other, because they are not yet equal. But it is carried out in the shadow of eventual equality. Because achieving that equality, however, destroys the very reason for having a relationship, just about everything interesting happens in between.

So once debts are resolved and the parties can walk away, what basis do we have for societal relationships? Graeber asks. As a preliminary answer, he quotes from 16th century monk François Rabelais’s book Gargantua and Pantagruel, where Pantagruel quotes the Apostle Paul: “owe no man anything, save mutual love and affection”— and the response to this freedom is genuine love and thanksgiving in return.

OK, Chris, where is all this going?

So, back to sin and salvation, humans and God. If Graeber is right here about debt and relationships, it doesn’t make sense for Christians to talk about sin as a debt owed to God. After all, we are not equals with God who just need to get our accounts balanced. The same evangelicals who would press hardest on our unpayable debt to God would also stress the infinite distinction between the omnipotent God and the miserable mortal creature. And if the payment of the debt then gives those equal parties the opportunity to “walk away”, with no further obligation to have a relationship, why would this paid-off state be desirable? In Graeber’s anthropological framework, God lording this debt of sin over pitiful humans is more akin to the vile Mafioso than a loving creator and savior.

At this point I would anticipate Evangelical readers to object that the “anthro” in Graeber’s expertise means “man”, and God isn’t man, and therefore this whole line of my reasoning is bunk. But I think we can do better than that. The Bible talks about God in human terms, using human analogies. So if this book that Christians profess as God-breathed uses human illustrations, we should evaluate them that way rather than just write them off when they don’t support our other theological assumptions.

A Better Metaphor

This post is already far too long, so let me just briefly suggest that a better metaphor for the problem of sin is the one our Orthodox brethren have proclaimed for centuries: sin as a disease that humans are unable to get rid of, and salvation the healing and cure. This metaphor better represents the actual dynamics of the God/human relationship. It establishes humans not as beings who must be failed and immoral because we just can’t manage to repay that debt, but as beloved children, stained and sick, who have a relationship permanently maintained by a loving parent who holds the cure.

…in the Orthodox model, sin is missing the mark; it is a distortion or a disease that needs therapy. Sin has no temporal and eternal debt per se, nor must it be “worked” off. One does not do “penance” in the Orthodox Church, but rather one seeks to be healed of their passions, their imperfections. Thus we use the language that compares the Church to a hospital and views sin in medical terms: sickness and cure. — Orthodox Catechism Project

This is really good news: that God loves us, calls us his children, and seeks to heal us of our compulsion to behave in ways that are not compatible with human flourishing.

Sharing my own music for the season: Carols for Christmas (piano instrumentals)

Hard to believe it’s been a dozen years since I recorded a set of Christmas carol piano instrumentals which I inventively titled Carols for Christmas. My audience has probably changed a bit since then, so it’s worth a re-post.

It’s just over 30 minutes worth of music, all piano versions of traditional Christmas carols. There’s not a lot in the way of production - I recorded them using my Casio midi controller keyboard in single takes in GarageBand and did a minimal amount of editing to remove the clunky notes. The perfectionist part of me wishes I had another 80 hours to really refine and polish the arrangements and recordings; the engineer in me declared “good enough”. The engineer won the debate.

If you maintain your own music library, you can download mp3s from Dropbox here. If YouTube is more your thing, here’s the YouTube playlist.

Catching up on Star Trek: Strange New Worlds and just got to the musical episode. It’s like they crossed Glee with Star Trek and I am slightly embarrassed to admit how much I am HERE FOR IT.

Unpleasantly cold for an Iowa December this morning - currently 7F feels like -12F. But the office is warm, and there is coffee. And it’s supposed to be in the high 40s on Saturday?!?

A few thoughts on formation

Sunday in an adult forum discussion at church we talked about how our theology is formed by prayer, and our prayer shaped by our singing, and today that leads me down the rabbit hole thinking about formation.

When I was in first grade my church started an AWANA program. Being the over-achieving type, I started with the kindergarten-level book, started memorizing bible verses, caught up the year I’d missed, and kept memorizing all the way through high school. I have written before about the misgivings I have about the way AWANA selectively chooses memory verses to push a specific theological perspective. But for better or worse, I was formed by those verses. They are phrases that immediately jump to mind in any appropriate (and sometimes inappropriate) situation. The beautiful cadences of the King James Version are forever burned into my neural pathways.

There were other formative works. As a tween I read the covers off the paperback box set of The Chronicles of Narnia. I was reminded of this last week on Thanksgiving when a friend’s daughter tried to pull a classic children’s prank on me. I really should’ve given her the joy of pulling one over on the old guy, but I’m too competitive for that, so instead of biting on the joke I gave a sideways answer, deflating her 10-year-old anticipation just a bit. Her mom then asked me what the discussion was about, and I related the story, chuckling “do you think I didn’t try that same prank when I was your age?” Immediately my friend spoke a line that reminded me that she, too, was formed by those books. “Do not cite the Deep Magic to me… I was there when it was written.” This is the power of formation. You don’t go searching for a line like that deep within your memory banks when it’s needed. It’s already so ingrained in your mind that it’s just the first, most natural thing to come out.

It need not be from sacred or serious sources. (I can’t hear someone say “bye, boys” without at least silently tagging on “Have fun storming the castle!”, nor can I hear someone say that they’ll “ping” someone without mentally following up “one ping only, please” in my best Connery-esque pseudo-Russian accent.) This brings me back to the prayer book.

I was first introduced to the Book of Common Prayer through Brian Zahnd and his prayer school. Brian is doing an interesting mix of evangelical, Pentecostal, contemplative, and traditional prayers within his prayer approach, and while I haven’t adopted it for the long term, it was my first taste of what my now-Episcopal self knows to be classic texts from the prayer book.

Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you, in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone.

We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truly sorry and we humbly repent.

For the sake of your son Jesus Christ have mercy on us and forgive us, that we may delight i your will and walk in your ways to the glory of your name. Amen.

I remember coming upon those words for the very first time and thinking “wow, this is so beautifully… comprehensive”. It covers things clearly, specifically, with reference to scripture, without dropping down into excruciating detail about each individual sin… what a brilliant confession! Really wise words! Oh naive evangelical that I was, not knowing the riches shared by those who had gone before.

Over the past 18 months in the Episcopal church there are new words forming me.

We believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen…

It is good, and a right and joyful thing, always and everywhere, to give thanks to you, Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth…

The gifts of God for the people of God. Take them in remembrance that Christ died for you, and feed on him in your hearts by faith, with thanksgiving.

The body of Christ, the bread of heaven…

Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep….

As Rich Mullins said in an appropriately-named song: I did not make it—no, it is making me.

And I have now written an entire post about formation without even touching the topic of singing… that will have to keep for another time.

Chattering from his perch on high.

#photography #nature

A brown squirrel sitting atop an electrical pole, with a clear blue sky in the background

2024 Reads: Black AF History: The Un-Whitewashed Story of America by Michael Harriot 📚

A wonderful, brilliant book. Harriot’s humor combined with his blunt recounting of a black perspective of American history is a must-read for white Americans like me.

Time to go Turkey Trot!

It’s 24F here in in rural southwestern Wisconsin. Why did I sign up for this again?!? 😂

Packing up the car this morning to visit my mom. First holiday season since my dad passed. Thankful that we have family and friends to share the day with tomorrow. It won’t make his absence any the less but will make it more bearable.